So I'm going to the other side of the world by myself in less than 48 hours. I'm absolutely petrified, excited but so SO scared.
I'm proud that I'm doing it. I've always thought that I should be a bit more spontaneous and just do things without thinking. I find that really hard as I have the ideas but usually find myself thinking about them too quickly and put myself off. I find it easier to not put myself off if I've got someone else to push too. Then it's not completely about me and seems less selfish. That somehow doing something for someone else's benefit instead of just for my own somehow makes it ok to do, which I know, is ridiculous.
I know the ten days away will be so good for me. I'm excited that I'm going to a place where no one knows me or knows anyone I know. I can try and be the me that I want and deserve to be. I want to come back with that. I'm going to talk to people and make friends, I'm going to go to gigs and have fun. I'm going to fight this brain of mine and be strong. I won't let the cloudy side of it win. This will be ME time, the actual me where I'll have the opportunity to be in control of my emotion. I can try to let myself let the happy part of my brain get a proper look in.
The idea of this scares me though. Not because I don't want to feel it. I'm so excited about the opportunity to do this, but I want this to be something that helps me take a step forward. I don't want to come home and let the same things rain down on me. I'm not saying I'm going away to "find myself" or anything like that but I am going to concentrate on the part of me that needs nourishing. The part of me that deserves to be happy. I am the real me now whether I'm happy, depressed or anything else. It's just I need to realise that all the areas of my brain will have a look in when appropriate but that I'd like to spend more time with some bits of it than others. I want to come back and remember, not miss the positive experiences and learn from them and grow stronger. As with most of the advice I give myself it's easier said than done, but I've got to try and start to aim a bit higher and into the wind to help with these steps I'm trying to take.
Time to set forth into the wild and see what nature and myself have got to offer each other. I'll you know what it's like, I could get used to it... if I let myself.
Showing posts with label thinking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label thinking. Show all posts
Wednesday, 23 February 2011
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
A scrambled egg.
I'm a bit scrambled right now. I can't relax, can't sit still. Typing this is so SO difficult. But I know I need to start writing this for me, even if it makes little sense to anyone else.
I don't know how to handle these situations. It's all very new to me. At my lowest moments I'm not usually the type to panic, I disappear and wallow and can't move. But recently after starting to feel low a switch is flicked and I get into a state of panic. It's an immediate flip into a different mind space. I know some of the triggers and I know that I don't make it easier for myself. But then how can I control these thoughts? I need to learn how to be disciplined and in control of my own thought patterns. I'm human after all and am blessed with the power to do so(to a degree).
I know half the time that the things I start "thinking" in these situations are ridiculous and completely over blow themsleves, but surely the brain reacts this way for a reason? And if I can control my head in other(technically much more stressful) situations then why when it comes to these things I can't at all? What makes one thought different from another and makes the brain react as it does?
I think I should start drawing again. It used to help. I only ever used to be able to draw from a scribble and the draw around what images I see in the mess. I suppose it's a pretty appropriate metaphor really. I need to take the scribbles and the mess inside me. Look at them properly and see what I can make from them, make the most of what's inside. Of course it's not going to solve things, but it may help me deal with these situations when they creep up on me.
Writing helps(though this has taken a LONG time for such a short thing). I'm calmer now. Just don't want the storms to keep catching up with me. Just need a great waterproof and pair of wellies for when the clouds do appear out of nowhere.
I don't know how to handle these situations. It's all very new to me. At my lowest moments I'm not usually the type to panic, I disappear and wallow and can't move. But recently after starting to feel low a switch is flicked and I get into a state of panic. It's an immediate flip into a different mind space. I know some of the triggers and I know that I don't make it easier for myself. But then how can I control these thoughts? I need to learn how to be disciplined and in control of my own thought patterns. I'm human after all and am blessed with the power to do so(to a degree).
I know half the time that the things I start "thinking" in these situations are ridiculous and completely over blow themsleves, but surely the brain reacts this way for a reason? And if I can control my head in other(technically much more stressful) situations then why when it comes to these things I can't at all? What makes one thought different from another and makes the brain react as it does?
I think I should start drawing again. It used to help. I only ever used to be able to draw from a scribble and the draw around what images I see in the mess. I suppose it's a pretty appropriate metaphor really. I need to take the scribbles and the mess inside me. Look at them properly and see what I can make from them, make the most of what's inside. Of course it's not going to solve things, but it may help me deal with these situations when they creep up on me.
Writing helps(though this has taken a LONG time for such a short thing). I'm calmer now. Just don't want the storms to keep catching up with me. Just need a great waterproof and pair of wellies for when the clouds do appear out of nowhere.
Saturday, 22 January 2011
If only everything...
When it comes down to it I'm an idealist. I know what I want the world and life to be like, I am also aware it would be extremely hard to make it a reality. As quoted by Josie Long (who originally said it escapes me at this very moment) the world would be a better place if we were all just a bit kinder to eachother. It'd be nice wouldn't it?
I LOVE William Morris, I love everything he stood for and believed and I love that he wanted the best for the world. I love that he was as worried and disillusioned about the world as I am. He knew what the world should be like but was realistic enough to realise that we have already gone too far to achieve that without complete change.
He said that "Fellowship is life and lack of fellowship is death". We need to be able to work together for the greater good. We don't all have to get along or like eachother, we just need to be able to work as a unit so we all can benefit from the good things in life, be able to enjoy our working lives and detach from them when we're away from it and be able to enjoy and appreciate life outside work.
The trouble with today is that we have too much and we don't know how to enjoy it. We're spoilt and that essentially leads us to finding disappointment in too many things. We concentrate too much on what we don't have as opposed to being grateful for all the good things we do have in life. I know how hard is is to see that sometimes though. Life sometimes doesn't seem fair, in fact a lot of the time it doesn't. William morris knew that and that stopped him being happy too. When we know happiness and equality are possible it becomes even more frustrating that those things aren't everywhere already.
There are too many obstacles and self obsessed people in the world, but so many of us aren't like that. We are individuals yes, with our own needs and wants, but so many of us care about the people next to us whether we know them or not. I truly believe there are more decent than terrible people out there and more of us need to have more faith in each other to think this too. From there we can take a step towards an ideal world and overcome the crap and the sadness that's shoved in our faces everyday.
But until then there's no harm in a bit of dreaming, is there?
I LOVE William Morris, I love everything he stood for and believed and I love that he wanted the best for the world. I love that he was as worried and disillusioned about the world as I am. He knew what the world should be like but was realistic enough to realise that we have already gone too far to achieve that without complete change.
He said that "Fellowship is life and lack of fellowship is death". We need to be able to work together for the greater good. We don't all have to get along or like eachother, we just need to be able to work as a unit so we all can benefit from the good things in life, be able to enjoy our working lives and detach from them when we're away from it and be able to enjoy and appreciate life outside work.
The trouble with today is that we have too much and we don't know how to enjoy it. We're spoilt and that essentially leads us to finding disappointment in too many things. We concentrate too much on what we don't have as opposed to being grateful for all the good things we do have in life. I know how hard is is to see that sometimes though. Life sometimes doesn't seem fair, in fact a lot of the time it doesn't. William morris knew that and that stopped him being happy too. When we know happiness and equality are possible it becomes even more frustrating that those things aren't everywhere already.
There are too many obstacles and self obsessed people in the world, but so many of us aren't like that. We are individuals yes, with our own needs and wants, but so many of us care about the people next to us whether we know them or not. I truly believe there are more decent than terrible people out there and more of us need to have more faith in each other to think this too. From there we can take a step towards an ideal world and overcome the crap and the sadness that's shoved in our faces everyday.
But until then there's no harm in a bit of dreaming, is there?
Friday, 14 January 2011
Me, Myself and Everyone Else
Since I can remember I've never wanted to upset or offend anyone. Even people I can't stand or people who have hurt me. I've always tried to be empathetic and see it from their point of view and how I imagine it would make them feel. I want to be nice to people, well not everybody but those that I don't like I at least don't want to be mean to. Why? If I'm worried about other people I don't have to worry about myself.
Is it really that wrong to think about yourself from time to time and stand up to those who only think about themselves? I need to get more guts. If I actually stood up against other peoples over-selfishness then maybe that'd help them think of others a bit more. It's about balance. A lot of people, such as myself need to think about themselves more. The important thing about thinking about yourself is not to be self-obsessed. Self obsessed people are miserable and bitter. However a little bit of selfishness is essential to being happy, as is being concious and considerate about the people around you.
I'm a nurse and i do love it, but sometimes dedicating every bit of yourself to others can drain so much out of you. It's my job to help others, I need to learn to separate that from the world outside. IT'S A JOB and I have my own life outside that, a place that I'm actually allowed to care for MYSELF. I think this obsession with other peoples happiness and well being is probably subconsciously why I chose to become a nurse. I have learnt from it and following that path is probably why I'm writing this now. It's a profession with as many smiles as there are tears. In a way, because of it I have started to realise that we have to make the most of our lives for ourselves. Thinking about ourselves once in a while can really be of benefit to other people. Our own happiness can help other people be happy.
Writing this down makes it sound so easy to do, but in real life it's bloody hard. I want people to like me, I don't want people to see me in a negative way. In life we tend to remember the downs more than the ups and I don't want to be remembered by someone I don't know as part of their downs. I try so hard to be a positive aspect of other peoples lives that it makes it tough to think positive about myself. If I am a naturally caring and nice person then surely I should believe that and should be able to see the good in myself and not concentrate completely on what other people MIGHT think of me.
Avoiding things sometimes seems like a good thing to do, but in reality it's stupid. I'm starting to realise its ok to think about ME. Its time to kick myself in the arse and understand that I'm the most important thing in my own life, and that caring about other people is something that I want to do and that makes me happy, and not something I HAVE to do to make me "happy".
It's time to concentrate on me, but that doesn't mean I won't have time for other people.
Is it really that wrong to think about yourself from time to time and stand up to those who only think about themselves? I need to get more guts. If I actually stood up against other peoples over-selfishness then maybe that'd help them think of others a bit more. It's about balance. A lot of people, such as myself need to think about themselves more. The important thing about thinking about yourself is not to be self-obsessed. Self obsessed people are miserable and bitter. However a little bit of selfishness is essential to being happy, as is being concious and considerate about the people around you.
I'm a nurse and i do love it, but sometimes dedicating every bit of yourself to others can drain so much out of you. It's my job to help others, I need to learn to separate that from the world outside. IT'S A JOB and I have my own life outside that, a place that I'm actually allowed to care for MYSELF. I think this obsession with other peoples happiness and well being is probably subconsciously why I chose to become a nurse. I have learnt from it and following that path is probably why I'm writing this now. It's a profession with as many smiles as there are tears. In a way, because of it I have started to realise that we have to make the most of our lives for ourselves. Thinking about ourselves once in a while can really be of benefit to other people. Our own happiness can help other people be happy.
Writing this down makes it sound so easy to do, but in real life it's bloody hard. I want people to like me, I don't want people to see me in a negative way. In life we tend to remember the downs more than the ups and I don't want to be remembered by someone I don't know as part of their downs. I try so hard to be a positive aspect of other peoples lives that it makes it tough to think positive about myself. If I am a naturally caring and nice person then surely I should believe that and should be able to see the good in myself and not concentrate completely on what other people MIGHT think of me.
Avoiding things sometimes seems like a good thing to do, but in reality it's stupid. I'm starting to realise its ok to think about ME. Its time to kick myself in the arse and understand that I'm the most important thing in my own life, and that caring about other people is something that I want to do and that makes me happy, and not something I HAVE to do to make me "happy".
It's time to concentrate on me, but that doesn't mean I won't have time for other people.
Thursday, 13 January 2011
Learning How to Scream.
Anger is an emotion I find so difficult to express. Don't get me wrong it's there (much more than I want right now) I just have no idea what to do with it, which scares me to bits.
In the short term music helps, but the problem with that is that someone else is expressing anger for me. That's not my rage, its theirs and that's why listening to music isn't going to solve the frustration boiling up inside me. I might feel I understand what they are saying, but they have no idea what's going on in my head and there again is something I need to address. This is MY anger and not anyone else's and I need to get that into my neatly clippered flat capped skull that it is my responsibility to sort it out.
Ever since I was little I haven't been able to shout out how I felt in fear of upsetting or hurting someone else. One example being that I was once scratched in the face by a little girl in front of her mother. I stood there frozen wanting to swipe back but I was unable to in fear of what might happen and how it will make her feel.
Now I certainly don't ever want to be violent, thats not who I am and it would be something upsettingly serious to bring me to that level, but I need an outlet. I need a voice. I need the confidence to tell myself it's ok to be angry about things.
I'm afraid what I've let stew inside me all my life will boil over and become messy. I don't want or need that and can't let that happen. All I need is a way to show it and to do that I may have to do something I find even more difficult than being angry. BE A BIT MORE SELFISH.
In the short term music helps, but the problem with that is that someone else is expressing anger for me. That's not my rage, its theirs and that's why listening to music isn't going to solve the frustration boiling up inside me. I might feel I understand what they are saying, but they have no idea what's going on in my head and there again is something I need to address. This is MY anger and not anyone else's and I need to get that into my neatly clippered flat capped skull that it is my responsibility to sort it out.
Ever since I was little I haven't been able to shout out how I felt in fear of upsetting or hurting someone else. One example being that I was once scratched in the face by a little girl in front of her mother. I stood there frozen wanting to swipe back but I was unable to in fear of what might happen and how it will make her feel.
Now I certainly don't ever want to be violent, thats not who I am and it would be something upsettingly serious to bring me to that level, but I need an outlet. I need a voice. I need the confidence to tell myself it's ok to be angry about things.
I'm afraid what I've let stew inside me all my life will boil over and become messy. I don't want or need that and can't let that happen. All I need is a way to show it and to do that I may have to do something I find even more difficult than being angry. BE A BIT MORE SELFISH.
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