I can't go the way I came.

Hi there. It feels like it's been forever since I last put anything here. A mix of being far far away physically and then coming back and feeling just as far away mentally.

So I did it. I went away to the other side of the world by myself. I saw new amazing things, ate amazing food, saw amazing music, did things spontaneously, found some confidence and talked to complete strangers and made new friends. When I was there it helped a lot. I had some days where the loneliness could take over but there always seemed to be a way out eventually. The loneliness didn't scare me as much. I took steps forward and faced things I was petrified of. I'm proud of myself for that. It didn't eradicate my problems. I'm not naive enough to believe that it would have or that it would've been a cure for anything but I knew if I got through it, in some respects I'd come out stronger.

So I'm back now. Back to a place I appreciated more when I was away from and on returning feel like I've taken a step back from the two forward I made when I was escaped. I suppose that's not abnormal. In fact I was expecting it, but there was a big part of me that hoped I'd be standing up a bit stronger than I am right now. But I need to remember that two steps forward and one back is still one ahead from before I went.
It's scary being back. The two parts of my brain are in a massive fight. One half wants to hide away and the other half wants to get out there as much as possible and see if I can transfer the confidence into life back at home. They're currently fighting with each other but so far the confident has pipped the scared side to the post more often. Not today I might add but I have kicked myself in the arse a little more than usual this past week.

It frustrates me that I had more control over the gloom when I was away from everything. I know that being around fresh and new things and people is going to make an obvious difference, but why should it make that much? I'm still the same guy here and there, with the same passions and personality. Or was I more myself when I was there? How much do I hold back around the familiar people and things in my life? How much do I hide the real me from those around me? I can't tell whether it's more or less than I think. Does that mean I'm not sure of who I really am? I'm sure of some aspects of myself and there's other parts I know are there and am afraid to unleash them for fear of rejection or in case I find something to not like about myself.

Going away was a big thing for me, but it has opened up a lot more questions about myself and how my emotions are controlled. It hasn't made me happier person necessarily but it's helped me gain a little more confidence in my abilities to step out of my comfort/anxiety zones.

I'm petrified of the future still but feel slightly better equipped now to start the long trek down that really hilly yellow brick road. I disappeared to one Emerald City, but I've got a long way to go to get to the next one.

Lions, and tigers, and bears. OH MY.

"Bravery or courage is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation." 
 
I've been told recently by a couple of people that I'm being brave at the moment. I'm genuinely uncertain whether I have been at all, so I thought I'd find a definition to help me work out whether I qualify or not.


I am trying to be brave. I'm trying so hard to confront the pain at the moment, so hard to stand up to the fear and uncertainty of the future by trying to concentrate on me. I don't know whether though I've found the courage inside me to actually go up to the door and open it yet. I think I'm probably being strong(ish) as opposed to courageous. I can't quite tell if by doing the things I'm doing count as facing up to what's happening right now or whether they count as running away.


I think writing this blog in some ways is confronting how scared and confused I am right now. So maybe this is one thing I could probably count as "being brave". But why am I finding that so difficult to accept? According to other people going away on holiday by myself is being brave, but then to me it feels like I'm doing it to escape or retreat, a way of avoiding things. But then when I actually go I might feel different. I'm petrified of going away alone, so when I actually get there, maybe that's when I'll be able to see myself as brave. I would've actually confronted that fear.


Having ideas doesn't make you brave. It just means that you're one step closer to being brave. Right now I have the potential to be brave and I may have even done some things that other people count as brave, but I'm not there yet. I'm genuinely bricking it at the moment. Can you still be brave and be scared at the same time? When you're being brave does the fear disappear?

I feel a bit like the Cowardly Lion. When his courage came out he was completely unaware, he still thought that he was a coward. Not a bloody clue. So maybe that's me. I'm the Cowardly Lion. Sure of my heart, sure(ish) of my brain but unaware of how strong I'm being due to feeling so weak about so many things. 


So maybe there is a bit of brave in me. I'd just maybe like to feel that a bit more and the best way to do that is to probably be a bit more adventurous and audacious. Take a few of those risks I was talking about.


Now where does that yellow brick road start?