I can't go the way I came.

Hi there. It feels like it's been forever since I last put anything here. A mix of being far far away physically and then coming back and feeling just as far away mentally.

So I did it. I went away to the other side of the world by myself. I saw new amazing things, ate amazing food, saw amazing music, did things spontaneously, found some confidence and talked to complete strangers and made new friends. When I was there it helped a lot. I had some days where the loneliness could take over but there always seemed to be a way out eventually. The loneliness didn't scare me as much. I took steps forward and faced things I was petrified of. I'm proud of myself for that. It didn't eradicate my problems. I'm not naive enough to believe that it would have or that it would've been a cure for anything but I knew if I got through it, in some respects I'd come out stronger.

So I'm back now. Back to a place I appreciated more when I was away from and on returning feel like I've taken a step back from the two forward I made when I was escaped. I suppose that's not abnormal. In fact I was expecting it, but there was a big part of me that hoped I'd be standing up a bit stronger than I am right now. But I need to remember that two steps forward and one back is still one ahead from before I went.
It's scary being back. The two parts of my brain are in a massive fight. One half wants to hide away and the other half wants to get out there as much as possible and see if I can transfer the confidence into life back at home. They're currently fighting with each other but so far the confident has pipped the scared side to the post more often. Not today I might add but I have kicked myself in the arse a little more than usual this past week.

It frustrates me that I had more control over the gloom when I was away from everything. I know that being around fresh and new things and people is going to make an obvious difference, but why should it make that much? I'm still the same guy here and there, with the same passions and personality. Or was I more myself when I was there? How much do I hold back around the familiar people and things in my life? How much do I hide the real me from those around me? I can't tell whether it's more or less than I think. Does that mean I'm not sure of who I really am? I'm sure of some aspects of myself and there's other parts I know are there and am afraid to unleash them for fear of rejection or in case I find something to not like about myself.

Going away was a big thing for me, but it has opened up a lot more questions about myself and how my emotions are controlled. It hasn't made me happier person necessarily but it's helped me gain a little more confidence in my abilities to step out of my comfort/anxiety zones.

I'm petrified of the future still but feel slightly better equipped now to start the long trek down that really hilly yellow brick road. I disappeared to one Emerald City, but I've got a long way to go to get to the next one.

Into the wild.

So I'm going to the other side of the world by myself in less than 48 hours. I'm absolutely petrified, excited but so SO scared.

I'm proud that I'm doing it. I've always thought that I should be a bit more spontaneous and just do things without thinking. I find that really hard as I have the ideas but usually find myself thinking about them too quickly and put myself off. I find it easier to not put myself off if I've got someone else to push too. Then it's not completely about me and seems less selfish. That somehow doing something for someone else's benefit instead of just for my own somehow makes it ok to do, which I know, is ridiculous.
I know the ten days away will be so good for me. I'm excited that I'm going to a place where no one knows me or knows anyone I know. I can try and be the me that I want and deserve to be. I want to come back with that. I'm going to talk to people and make friends, I'm going to go to gigs and have fun. I'm going to fight this brain of mine and be strong. I won't let the cloudy side of it win. This will be ME time, the actual me where I'll have the opportunity to be in control of my emotion. I can try to let myself let the happy part of my brain get a proper look in.

The idea of this scares me though. Not because I don't want to feel it. I'm so excited about the opportunity to do this, but I want this to be something that helps me take a step forward. I don't want to come home and let the same things rain down on me. I'm not saying I'm going away to "find myself" or anything like that but I am going to concentrate on the part of me that needs nourishing. The part of me that deserves to be happy. I am the real me now whether I'm happy, depressed or anything else. It's just I need to realise that all the areas of my brain will have a look in when appropriate but that I'd like to spend more time with some bits of it than others. I want to come back and remember, not miss the positive experiences and learn from them and grow stronger. As with most of the advice I give myself it's easier said than done, but I've got to try and start to aim a bit higher and into the wind to help with these steps I'm trying to take.

Time to set forth into the wild and see what nature and myself have got to offer each other. I'll you know what it's like, I could get used to it... if I let myself.

Lions, and tigers, and bears. OH MY.

"Bravery or courage is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation." 
 
I've been told recently by a couple of people that I'm being brave at the moment. I'm genuinely uncertain whether I have been at all, so I thought I'd find a definition to help me work out whether I qualify or not.


I am trying to be brave. I'm trying so hard to confront the pain at the moment, so hard to stand up to the fear and uncertainty of the future by trying to concentrate on me. I don't know whether though I've found the courage inside me to actually go up to the door and open it yet. I think I'm probably being strong(ish) as opposed to courageous. I can't quite tell if by doing the things I'm doing count as facing up to what's happening right now or whether they count as running away.


I think writing this blog in some ways is confronting how scared and confused I am right now. So maybe this is one thing I could probably count as "being brave". But why am I finding that so difficult to accept? According to other people going away on holiday by myself is being brave, but then to me it feels like I'm doing it to escape or retreat, a way of avoiding things. But then when I actually go I might feel different. I'm petrified of going away alone, so when I actually get there, maybe that's when I'll be able to see myself as brave. I would've actually confronted that fear.


Having ideas doesn't make you brave. It just means that you're one step closer to being brave. Right now I have the potential to be brave and I may have even done some things that other people count as brave, but I'm not there yet. I'm genuinely bricking it at the moment. Can you still be brave and be scared at the same time? When you're being brave does the fear disappear?

I feel a bit like the Cowardly Lion. When his courage came out he was completely unaware, he still thought that he was a coward. Not a bloody clue. So maybe that's me. I'm the Cowardly Lion. Sure of my heart, sure(ish) of my brain but unaware of how strong I'm being due to feeling so weak about so many things. 


So maybe there is a bit of brave in me. I'd just maybe like to feel that a bit more and the best way to do that is to probably be a bit more adventurous and audacious. Take a few of those risks I was talking about.


Now where does that yellow brick road start?

Me, Myself and Everyone Else

Since I can remember I've never wanted to upset or offend anyone. Even people I can't stand or people who have hurt me. I've always tried to be empathetic and see it from their point of view and how I imagine it would make them feel. I want to be nice to people, well not everybody but those that I don't like I at least don't want to be mean to. Why? If I'm worried about other people I don't have to worry about myself.


Is it really that wrong to think about yourself from time to time and stand up to those who only think about themselves? I need to get more guts. If I actually stood up against other peoples over-selfishness then maybe that'd help them think of others a bit more. It's about balance. A lot of people, such as myself need to think about themselves more. The important thing about thinking about yourself is not to be self-obsessed. Self obsessed people are miserable and bitter. However a little bit of selfishness is essential to being happy, as is being concious and considerate about the people around you. 


I'm a nurse and i do love it, but sometimes dedicating every bit of yourself  to others can drain so much out of you. It's my job to help others, I need to learn to separate that from the world outside. IT'S A JOB and I have my own life outside that, a place that I'm actually allowed to care for MYSELF. I think this obsession with other peoples happiness and well being is probably subconsciously why I chose to become a nurse. I have learnt from it and following that path is probably why I'm writing this now. It's a profession with as many smiles as there are tears. In a way, because of it I have started to realise that we have to make the most of our lives for ourselves. Thinking about ourselves once in a while can really be of benefit to other people. Our own happiness can help other people be happy.


Writing this down makes it sound so easy to do, but in real life it's bloody hard. I want people to like me, I don't want people to see me in a negative way. In life we tend to remember the downs more than the ups and I don't want to be remembered by someone I don't know as part of their downs. I try so hard to be a positive aspect of other peoples lives that it makes it tough to think positive about myself. If I am a naturally caring and nice person then surely I should believe that and should be able to see the good in myself and not concentrate completely on what other people MIGHT think of me.

Avoiding things sometimes seems like a good thing to do, but in reality it's stupid. I'm starting to realise its ok to think about ME. Its time to kick myself in the arse and understand that I'm the most important thing in my own life, and that caring about other people is something that I want to do and that makes me happy, and not something I HAVE to do to make me "happy".


It's time to concentrate on me, but that doesn't mean I won't have time for other people.

Learning How to Scream.

Anger is an emotion I find so difficult to express. Don't get me wrong it's there (much more than I want right now) I just have no idea what to do with it, which scares me to bits.  


In the short term music helps, but the problem with that is that someone else is expressing anger for me. That's not my rage, its theirs and that's why listening to music isn't going to solve the frustration boiling up inside me. I might feel I understand what they are saying, but they have no idea what's going on in my head and there again is something I need to address. This is MY anger and not anyone else's and I need to get that into my neatly clippered flat capped skull that it is my responsibility to sort it out.


Ever since I was little I haven't been able to shout out how I felt in fear of upsetting or hurting someone else. One example being that I was once scratched in the face by a little girl in front of her mother. I stood there frozen wanting to swipe back but I was unable to in fear of what might happen and how it will make her feel. 

Now I certainly don't ever want to be violent, thats not who I am and it would be something upsettingly serious to bring me to that level, but I need an outlet. I need a voice. I need the confidence to tell myself it's ok to be angry about things.

I'm afraid what I've let stew inside me all my life will boil over and become messy. I don't want or need that and can't let that happen. All I need is a way to show it and to do that I may have to do something I find even more difficult than being angry. BE A BIT MORE SELFISH.

Risk Management

Life is a funny thing isn't it?


People say things happen for a reason. I've always hoped that was true but sometimes I find that saying hard to believe. I've used it myself on many occasions to try and comfort people. Realistically the only thing that can make the future better, lives within what you do with the present and not what has happened in the past. It's down to them, its down to you, its down to me.


At this moment in time I'm trying to convince myself of this and boy oh boy it's a difficult thing to accept. If things really did happen for a reason we'd just do nothing and let the future happen, but those who procrastinate, wallow and   ignore the present because of past find it hardest to see the future. Granted at our lowest moments we look to the past, nostalgia, what could have been etc. Maybe this is because the future is the scariest thing in the world for someone isn't prepared for change. 


I think we all need to remember that sometimes the only thing we can do is jump ship. Is it worth staying on the burning deck where you're certain to be in pain and have your fate decided for you? or is it it better to take the chance in open sea where there might be a way out, a place to swim to?  There are risks when it comes to anything, but the thing about risks is that no matter how likely the outcomes you don't  want to happen might, there is always a chance they won't and that things will go your way.


The thing about risks is that there is no certainty. You have to take them to get further towards the future.  After all you need to cross the road to get to where you want, don't you?