Hooks and Loops.

I'll start this one with a couple of paragraphs of an email I got from the School of Life (www.theschooloflife.com) on being in a relationship and being single that you can have a think about.

Who'd be in a relationship?

At its best, love can make us deliriously happy. At worst, it makes us more miserable than anything on earth. It robs us of our autonomy, freedom and financial independence. It can bring disillusion, heartbreak and betrayal.

Who’d be single?

We’re confined to the prison of our established and frequently very boring selves. At best, singleness allows us to be free agents, able to fulfill our desires. At worst, it drags us down to the depths of loneliness. It robs us of intimacy, personal engagement, and an understanding that true happiness is about giving oneself away.

So. It's Valentines day today. Not a day I'm particularly enthusiastic about on the best of years, let alone this year.

The thing that makes any old day romantic is a spontaneous act that comes from the heart. That's what makes romance special and that's why I can't get my head around Valentines day. It's expected, and what the hell is romantic or special about that? Giving someone flowers, a compilation or a beautiful leaf you found etc etc on a random day of the year when it wasn't expected makes it so much more special. It shows how much you love someone so much more and makes things exciting. Doing things on a day because everyone else is, makes it bland and to a degree makes it into some sort of competition.
Only one person has ever given me Valentines cards, and they were always lovely. But then the cards or little things she gave me for no reason other than loveliness felt so much more special. Made me so happy because she didn't have to, it was because she wanted to.

Saying all this though, I can't help but feel bitter this year now I'm on my own. Why the hell does it bother me now?! I know it's pretty much because I don't even have the option this year. Those finding themselves having to do things are still able to be with the person they care about and have the option to be stubborn like I was but without being bitter as well. Being single again has made me see myself in both positive and REALLY negative ways and on a day like Valentines even more so. I like the fact I know I can be romantic and really enjoy being so. I'm annoyed that sometimes I haven't been more often. I'm  scared tha I'll lose that feeling of wanting to. I'm petrified of being alone. The School of Life quote stating that being single robs us of true happiness as we can no longer give oneself away rings over and over with me. I want to give my all to everyone but I want to give that something extra special to that extra special person. I want to get that back from that person. I just need to learn how to free my own worries in order to give my entire self to someone now, just because I want to doesn't mean I can or should. Is it fair to love someone but not love yourself or not have the ability to be the complete you? It's not fair to them that they can't see everything in you, the good and the bad, as much as you try to open up and give them. It's not fair on you either to be scared in those situations, to feel the need to keep things locked up in order to get the feeling that things are great and that because you're happy as a pair that you must be happy as an individual. I think love is a huge element of happiness. But sometimes it's too easy to forget that it's not a substitute either for all the other bits that make a person happy.

It's easy to get tangled in love, because there's no greater feeling. But get too tangled and you get stuck and it creates something that you can't take any individual elements out of. Love should be a bit more like Velcro. Two completely different structures that when put together stick together perfectly with ease, can be easily separated, but in the end always work best when used together.

Let me out.

I haven't enjoyed being me for a long time. It's not that I don't like who I am, I think as a whole I'm a pretty good and decent person. 

Through bullying as a teenager my life as me took a massive knock. It made me ask too many questions about myself and made me think that people who weren't nice to me were that way because there must be something about me that people don't like. I know now years after that that wasn't the case and those people attacking me had problems with themselves and I was an easy target. Quiet, sensitive, inoffensive and non-threatening. Though realising these things hasn't made me enjoy being me much more over the years. Yes I've enjoyed parts of my life, and certainly enjoyed the people in it but my feelings about myself have affected my relationships with friends, family and partners and have stopped me taking full advantage of them and therefore my own happiness.

I think most people like me when I meet them, or at least don't dislike me. But is that just because I want them to? Maybe some people really don't because I'm so bothered about not offending them or what they think of me that  people see me as fake? I'm really sure I'm not fake. I really do want to see the best in people, I want to be interested in what they have to say, but I want them to be interested in what I have to say too. I want to like people and find it really awkward when I don't and can't. But I have to realise that we are all different and that's why sometimes we can't help but clash. 

I'm getting better at being indifferent to those people, to accepting those who I can't click with and challenging those who I disagree with or am offended by. It's important that people I know and consider friends, like me. They contribute to my happiness and I don't want to damage that. However there will always be clashes due to differences and they can be confronted without offending or hurting each other. The important bit is to be level headed, honest and constructive. It doesn't always go down well immediately but in the long term it's vital for relationships to grow and mature.

I want to enjoy being me. I have little reason to not to appreciate myself more and take the most from what I have, but part of me is stopping doing that and I need to find out exactly why that is and take the appropriate action. I need to find a sledge hammer to break down that wall and get out there and take advantage of what's on the other side. It's something I could probably write a thesis on and I know I've got a long way to go in figuring out what to do to sort it out. It's just something I had to write down to set the ball rolling. It helps.