A scrambled egg.

I'm a bit scrambled right now. I can't relax, can't sit still. Typing this is so SO difficult. But I know I need to start writing this for me, even if it makes little sense to anyone else.

I don't know how to handle these situations. It's all very new to me. At my lowest moments I'm not usually the type to panic, I disappear and wallow and can't move. But recently after starting to feel low a switch is flicked and I get into a state of panic. It's an immediate flip into a different mind space. I know some of the triggers and I know that I don't make it easier for myself. But then how can I control these thoughts? I need to learn how to be disciplined and in control of my own thought patterns. I'm human after all and am blessed with the power to do so(to a degree).
I know half the time that the things I start "thinking" in these situations are ridiculous and completely over blow themsleves, but surely the brain reacts this way for a reason? And if I can control my head in other(technically much more stressful) situations then why when it comes to these things I can't at all? What makes one thought different from another and makes the brain react as it does?
I think I should start drawing again. It used to help. I only ever used to be able to draw from a scribble and the draw around what images I see in the mess. I suppose it's a pretty appropriate metaphor really. I need to take the scribbles and the mess inside me. Look at them properly and see what I can make from them, make the most of what's inside. Of course it's not going to solve things, but it may help me deal with these situations when they creep up on me.

Writing helps(though this has taken a LONG time for such a short thing). I'm calmer now. Just don't want the storms to keep catching up with me. Just need a great waterproof and pair of wellies for when the clouds do appear out of nowhere.

Let me out.

I haven't enjoyed being me for a long time. It's not that I don't like who I am, I think as a whole I'm a pretty good and decent person. 

Through bullying as a teenager my life as me took a massive knock. It made me ask too many questions about myself and made me think that people who weren't nice to me were that way because there must be something about me that people don't like. I know now years after that that wasn't the case and those people attacking me had problems with themselves and I was an easy target. Quiet, sensitive, inoffensive and non-threatening. Though realising these things hasn't made me enjoy being me much more over the years. Yes I've enjoyed parts of my life, and certainly enjoyed the people in it but my feelings about myself have affected my relationships with friends, family and partners and have stopped me taking full advantage of them and therefore my own happiness.

I think most people like me when I meet them, or at least don't dislike me. But is that just because I want them to? Maybe some people really don't because I'm so bothered about not offending them or what they think of me that  people see me as fake? I'm really sure I'm not fake. I really do want to see the best in people, I want to be interested in what they have to say, but I want them to be interested in what I have to say too. I want to like people and find it really awkward when I don't and can't. But I have to realise that we are all different and that's why sometimes we can't help but clash. 

I'm getting better at being indifferent to those people, to accepting those who I can't click with and challenging those who I disagree with or am offended by. It's important that people I know and consider friends, like me. They contribute to my happiness and I don't want to damage that. However there will always be clashes due to differences and they can be confronted without offending or hurting each other. The important bit is to be level headed, honest and constructive. It doesn't always go down well immediately but in the long term it's vital for relationships to grow and mature.

I want to enjoy being me. I have little reason to not to appreciate myself more and take the most from what I have, but part of me is stopping doing that and I need to find out exactly why that is and take the appropriate action. I need to find a sledge hammer to break down that wall and get out there and take advantage of what's on the other side. It's something I could probably write a thesis on and I know I've got a long way to go in figuring out what to do to sort it out. It's just something I had to write down to set the ball rolling. It helps.

We get what we give each other.

At the weekend I attended an extremely inspiring talk on happiness. One part of it that is standing out for me today was a point made that we differ from animals in the way that we have power over our own emotions, that we have some sort of control.

It is a valid view. We are lucky as humans that we have some sort of ability to be in charge of how we feel. But one problem with it is that sometimes emotion has the power to control us. Sadness can be a difficult emotion to keep under your hat and happiness can be slippery and hard to keep a grip on. I liken it with learning to drive in a way. I never have and the longer I leave it the more wary of it I get. I have it in myself in theory to drive a car, but actually facing up to it and doing it is a different kettle of fish.

I have made a step forward on that front this week however (not on the driving front unfortunately, though that is in the works). I am starting to realise that I do have the ability to do happy things, appreciate what I have and that there are other people out there with similar and far worse problems than me who are able to accept things and be positive about their lives. I don't want people to look at me as a glum pessimistic individual. I want to contribute to other peoples happiness which in turn will make me happy and will hopefully encourage other people, being strangers or friends/colleagues to do the same for me. Society would be a better place if we all dedicated some time to each others happiness.

What I learnt from this talk from the weekend is that the term "well-being" isn't good enough. It's not concerned with happiness, it doesn't have to get that far. It means that as long as people are "okay" then no more effort has to be made. Of course we all want people to be okay, it's a damn site better than being shit BUT the problem with being okay is that it can be a steep slope down to being low again. However if we're able to be happy as individuals and together then the gradient down is far less immediate and far easier to climb back up.

I've got a lot of learning to do about myself and the lack of control I've had in regards to my emotion my whole life, not just in recent times. Of course I can be happy, and in a complete non-egocentric way I think I deserve to be. I've just got to grab the happy part from inside me and have fun with it more often. I think that it's important that we can be sad when appropriate, hiding any emotion away when it's there can be a dangerous thing, but it doesn't mean it should be in control and it doesn't mean we should give it all our time. The reason it takes over is that when we've had a taste of happiness, we want more. We don't want it to not be there and when it takes a rest that gives sadness a chance to take the lead. If we work together though and  keep passing the happy baton to each other hopefully we'll never run out of energy and then we can beat the gloom to the finish line.

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer somebody else up" Mark Twain



p.s the talk was by Richard Layard of www.actionforhappiness.org  / @actionhappiness and arranged by the School of Life www.theschooloflife.com / @TheSchoolOfLife check them out and follow them. They're good ones.

Me, Myself and Everyone Else

Since I can remember I've never wanted to upset or offend anyone. Even people I can't stand or people who have hurt me. I've always tried to be empathetic and see it from their point of view and how I imagine it would make them feel. I want to be nice to people, well not everybody but those that I don't like I at least don't want to be mean to. Why? If I'm worried about other people I don't have to worry about myself.


Is it really that wrong to think about yourself from time to time and stand up to those who only think about themselves? I need to get more guts. If I actually stood up against other peoples over-selfishness then maybe that'd help them think of others a bit more. It's about balance. A lot of people, such as myself need to think about themselves more. The important thing about thinking about yourself is not to be self-obsessed. Self obsessed people are miserable and bitter. However a little bit of selfishness is essential to being happy, as is being concious and considerate about the people around you. 


I'm a nurse and i do love it, but sometimes dedicating every bit of yourself  to others can drain so much out of you. It's my job to help others, I need to learn to separate that from the world outside. IT'S A JOB and I have my own life outside that, a place that I'm actually allowed to care for MYSELF. I think this obsession with other peoples happiness and well being is probably subconsciously why I chose to become a nurse. I have learnt from it and following that path is probably why I'm writing this now. It's a profession with as many smiles as there are tears. In a way, because of it I have started to realise that we have to make the most of our lives for ourselves. Thinking about ourselves once in a while can really be of benefit to other people. Our own happiness can help other people be happy.


Writing this down makes it sound so easy to do, but in real life it's bloody hard. I want people to like me, I don't want people to see me in a negative way. In life we tend to remember the downs more than the ups and I don't want to be remembered by someone I don't know as part of their downs. I try so hard to be a positive aspect of other peoples lives that it makes it tough to think positive about myself. If I am a naturally caring and nice person then surely I should believe that and should be able to see the good in myself and not concentrate completely on what other people MIGHT think of me.

Avoiding things sometimes seems like a good thing to do, but in reality it's stupid. I'm starting to realise its ok to think about ME. Its time to kick myself in the arse and understand that I'm the most important thing in my own life, and that caring about other people is something that I want to do and that makes me happy, and not something I HAVE to do to make me "happy".


It's time to concentrate on me, but that doesn't mean I won't have time for other people.

Learning How to Scream.

Anger is an emotion I find so difficult to express. Don't get me wrong it's there (much more than I want right now) I just have no idea what to do with it, which scares me to bits.  


In the short term music helps, but the problem with that is that someone else is expressing anger for me. That's not my rage, its theirs and that's why listening to music isn't going to solve the frustration boiling up inside me. I might feel I understand what they are saying, but they have no idea what's going on in my head and there again is something I need to address. This is MY anger and not anyone else's and I need to get that into my neatly clippered flat capped skull that it is my responsibility to sort it out.


Ever since I was little I haven't been able to shout out how I felt in fear of upsetting or hurting someone else. One example being that I was once scratched in the face by a little girl in front of her mother. I stood there frozen wanting to swipe back but I was unable to in fear of what might happen and how it will make her feel. 

Now I certainly don't ever want to be violent, thats not who I am and it would be something upsettingly serious to bring me to that level, but I need an outlet. I need a voice. I need the confidence to tell myself it's ok to be angry about things.

I'm afraid what I've let stew inside me all my life will boil over and become messy. I don't want or need that and can't let that happen. All I need is a way to show it and to do that I may have to do something I find even more difficult than being angry. BE A BIT MORE SELFISH.

Risk Management

Life is a funny thing isn't it?


People say things happen for a reason. I've always hoped that was true but sometimes I find that saying hard to believe. I've used it myself on many occasions to try and comfort people. Realistically the only thing that can make the future better, lives within what you do with the present and not what has happened in the past. It's down to them, its down to you, its down to me.


At this moment in time I'm trying to convince myself of this and boy oh boy it's a difficult thing to accept. If things really did happen for a reason we'd just do nothing and let the future happen, but those who procrastinate, wallow and   ignore the present because of past find it hardest to see the future. Granted at our lowest moments we look to the past, nostalgia, what could have been etc. Maybe this is because the future is the scariest thing in the world for someone isn't prepared for change. 


I think we all need to remember that sometimes the only thing we can do is jump ship. Is it worth staying on the burning deck where you're certain to be in pain and have your fate decided for you? or is it it better to take the chance in open sea where there might be a way out, a place to swim to?  There are risks when it comes to anything, but the thing about risks is that no matter how likely the outcomes you don't  want to happen might, there is always a chance they won't and that things will go your way.


The thing about risks is that there is no certainty. You have to take them to get further towards the future.  After all you need to cross the road to get to where you want, don't you?