Let me out.

I haven't enjoyed being me for a long time. It's not that I don't like who I am, I think as a whole I'm a pretty good and decent person. 

Through bullying as a teenager my life as me took a massive knock. It made me ask too many questions about myself and made me think that people who weren't nice to me were that way because there must be something about me that people don't like. I know now years after that that wasn't the case and those people attacking me had problems with themselves and I was an easy target. Quiet, sensitive, inoffensive and non-threatening. Though realising these things hasn't made me enjoy being me much more over the years. Yes I've enjoyed parts of my life, and certainly enjoyed the people in it but my feelings about myself have affected my relationships with friends, family and partners and have stopped me taking full advantage of them and therefore my own happiness.

I think most people like me when I meet them, or at least don't dislike me. But is that just because I want them to? Maybe some people really don't because I'm so bothered about not offending them or what they think of me that  people see me as fake? I'm really sure I'm not fake. I really do want to see the best in people, I want to be interested in what they have to say, but I want them to be interested in what I have to say too. I want to like people and find it really awkward when I don't and can't. But I have to realise that we are all different and that's why sometimes we can't help but clash. 

I'm getting better at being indifferent to those people, to accepting those who I can't click with and challenging those who I disagree with or am offended by. It's important that people I know and consider friends, like me. They contribute to my happiness and I don't want to damage that. However there will always be clashes due to differences and they can be confronted without offending or hurting each other. The important bit is to be level headed, honest and constructive. It doesn't always go down well immediately but in the long term it's vital for relationships to grow and mature.

I want to enjoy being me. I have little reason to not to appreciate myself more and take the most from what I have, but part of me is stopping doing that and I need to find out exactly why that is and take the appropriate action. I need to find a sledge hammer to break down that wall and get out there and take advantage of what's on the other side. It's something I could probably write a thesis on and I know I've got a long way to go in figuring out what to do to sort it out. It's just something I had to write down to set the ball rolling. It helps.

Home isn't where your house is.

As sickly and as overused the phrase might be. Home really is where the heart is.

I've had to move back to the North East London town, where up until eight months ago I'd lived all my life (minus 6 months in Venezuela). I really don't know how I feel about it. I don't want to take a step backwards. Recent events and the position I've found myself in make me nervous that there's a possibility this might happen.

When I'm not here I appreciate it so much more, coming back to it is like meeting up with an old friend that you don't see often but when you do it's quality time. It's funny that now I'm living here again that it seems to have lost that. It's not home right now. I was somewhere different and new and was just getting used to it. Just starting to appreciate it. Just started to realise that it was home. I know deep down that the main reason for feeling that it was home wasn't the location. It's was where my heart was (and still is). In physical terms (and so therefore mentally too) it was fresh, new, exciting and most importantly, a step forward.

I'm the first to defend and first to bitch about my home town. There are FAR worse places to live, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to be stuck. In the past couple of years I've been more positive about the place than ever, but again that wasn't because of the physical place. It was what was in it and what I had.

I can learn from this though. It really is what you take out of and what you put into a place to make it home. My home here before was beautiful because of what was put into it, what was shared there. Now I'm back at my parents place in a room that used to be my safe haven, my own box where I could be me and escape from the world.  Now it's just somewhere I sleep. I know this isn't forever and I know I'm bloody lucky to have anywhere right now, but there certain things I need right now. Somewhere secure and positive.

My main man William Morris said "Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful". This really doesn't apply to just decoration or physical objects (and my oh my do I have too many of those). A house can only be filled with beauty if you love being there and feel safe and make it your own. Without that a house can't be a home.

So that's my aim. To take the most from what I have and concentrate on where my heart is. It's in me and I just need to let it know that we've got some home hunting/creating to do.