Hooks and Loops.

I'll start this one with a couple of paragraphs of an email I got from the School of Life (www.theschooloflife.com) on being in a relationship and being single that you can have a think about.

Who'd be in a relationship?

At its best, love can make us deliriously happy. At worst, it makes us more miserable than anything on earth. It robs us of our autonomy, freedom and financial independence. It can bring disillusion, heartbreak and betrayal.

Who’d be single?

We’re confined to the prison of our established and frequently very boring selves. At best, singleness allows us to be free agents, able to fulfill our desires. At worst, it drags us down to the depths of loneliness. It robs us of intimacy, personal engagement, and an understanding that true happiness is about giving oneself away.

So. It's Valentines day today. Not a day I'm particularly enthusiastic about on the best of years, let alone this year.

The thing that makes any old day romantic is a spontaneous act that comes from the heart. That's what makes romance special and that's why I can't get my head around Valentines day. It's expected, and what the hell is romantic or special about that? Giving someone flowers, a compilation or a beautiful leaf you found etc etc on a random day of the year when it wasn't expected makes it so much more special. It shows how much you love someone so much more and makes things exciting. Doing things on a day because everyone else is, makes it bland and to a degree makes it into some sort of competition.
Only one person has ever given me Valentines cards, and they were always lovely. But then the cards or little things she gave me for no reason other than loveliness felt so much more special. Made me so happy because she didn't have to, it was because she wanted to.

Saying all this though, I can't help but feel bitter this year now I'm on my own. Why the hell does it bother me now?! I know it's pretty much because I don't even have the option this year. Those finding themselves having to do things are still able to be with the person they care about and have the option to be stubborn like I was but without being bitter as well. Being single again has made me see myself in both positive and REALLY negative ways and on a day like Valentines even more so. I like the fact I know I can be romantic and really enjoy being so. I'm annoyed that sometimes I haven't been more often. I'm  scared tha I'll lose that feeling of wanting to. I'm petrified of being alone. The School of Life quote stating that being single robs us of true happiness as we can no longer give oneself away rings over and over with me. I want to give my all to everyone but I want to give that something extra special to that extra special person. I want to get that back from that person. I just need to learn how to free my own worries in order to give my entire self to someone now, just because I want to doesn't mean I can or should. Is it fair to love someone but not love yourself or not have the ability to be the complete you? It's not fair to them that they can't see everything in you, the good and the bad, as much as you try to open up and give them. It's not fair on you either to be scared in those situations, to feel the need to keep things locked up in order to get the feeling that things are great and that because you're happy as a pair that you must be happy as an individual. I think love is a huge element of happiness. But sometimes it's too easy to forget that it's not a substitute either for all the other bits that make a person happy.

It's easy to get tangled in love, because there's no greater feeling. But get too tangled and you get stuck and it creates something that you can't take any individual elements out of. Love should be a bit more like Velcro. Two completely different structures that when put together stick together perfectly with ease, can be easily separated, but in the end always work best when used together.

Home isn't where your house is.

As sickly and as overused the phrase might be. Home really is where the heart is.

I've had to move back to the North East London town, where up until eight months ago I'd lived all my life (minus 6 months in Venezuela). I really don't know how I feel about it. I don't want to take a step backwards. Recent events and the position I've found myself in make me nervous that there's a possibility this might happen.

When I'm not here I appreciate it so much more, coming back to it is like meeting up with an old friend that you don't see often but when you do it's quality time. It's funny that now I'm living here again that it seems to have lost that. It's not home right now. I was somewhere different and new and was just getting used to it. Just starting to appreciate it. Just started to realise that it was home. I know deep down that the main reason for feeling that it was home wasn't the location. It's was where my heart was (and still is). In physical terms (and so therefore mentally too) it was fresh, new, exciting and most importantly, a step forward.

I'm the first to defend and first to bitch about my home town. There are FAR worse places to live, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to be stuck. In the past couple of years I've been more positive about the place than ever, but again that wasn't because of the physical place. It was what was in it and what I had.

I can learn from this though. It really is what you take out of and what you put into a place to make it home. My home here before was beautiful because of what was put into it, what was shared there. Now I'm back at my parents place in a room that used to be my safe haven, my own box where I could be me and escape from the world.  Now it's just somewhere I sleep. I know this isn't forever and I know I'm bloody lucky to have anywhere right now, but there certain things I need right now. Somewhere secure and positive.

My main man William Morris said "Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful". This really doesn't apply to just decoration or physical objects (and my oh my do I have too many of those). A house can only be filled with beauty if you love being there and feel safe and make it your own. Without that a house can't be a home.

So that's my aim. To take the most from what I have and concentrate on where my heart is. It's in me and I just need to let it know that we've got some home hunting/creating to do.