I'm back and I'm getting there.

So it's been a long LONG time since I've been in these parts and I thought I'd attempt an update.

There are a few reasons why I haven't ventured to Bionic Vapour land in the past however many months. Partly being completely knackered from having a responsible and grown up ballache of a job, partly laziness and partly because life has changed and I've come along way in the past year and a half. I'm happier and that made writing this blog, that I was using as an outlet for my depression, a lot harder.

I was in a very dark place for a very long time. Years. It took me to hit a massive low to do anything about it. I was ready to accept my depression and face it. I was sick of being depressed and I wanted to be happy. Since my "journey"(for want of a MUCH better word) started it's been a struggle and pretty scary but I've come a long way, in fact I've come a really fucking long way and I'm proud of myself.

I've realised the amount of things that have held me back over the years, me being a big one of those things. Now I'm not going to go into all of that, that's what I've had a therapist for for the past 14 months. On that front though I've come(or am coming) to the end of my therapy, I don't need it any more. As much as my therapy has helped, I'm proud to say that I've never had to rely on it. I've never kidded myself that it makes me more independent or let it make me ignore the real parts of myself and my life that I needed to concentrate on to help me grow and be the real me. I've never used it to hide away and I've never let it take away my independence. I've used it to open up and become stronger and let it support me and now I'm able to stand on my own two feet. That's what therapy is for, and if I dragged it out any longer it'd drain the life out of me.

The biggest thing though that has helped me get through the past how ever long came into my life just over a year ago and I can't express enough how much I've grown since knowing her. Initially a struggle and a nightmare(of which I know she will most definitely agree), I would never have expected(especially at that time) to meet the most incredible, beautiful and by far the most fun person in the whole bloody world. I know if I hadn't met her my life would be very different right now, I wouldn't have come this far and as sad as it is to say I don't know if I'd even still be here. I've never been with someone who truly let me be me, and    
who I felt I was able to be with. I've never been able to be so honest with someone and with myself and never felt that I've been in such an equal situation with someone. We are a team, the ultimate team and I treasure every single second of her time that she's given me and all the other seconds I get to spend with her. She's fucking great.



You may throw up now.

One Step forward, Two leaps back...

Hi, it's been a while. This is going to be a but of a ranty waffle, but as I said it's been a while...


I scare myself sometimes. Some thoughts are so overpowering its hard to tell what's real and what's not. It's been a long time since I've been able to write anything down. It's been hard to be honest with myself like I had been doing before my break away from the blog.

My motivation has been shot to pieces. Before this was really helping, but something happened that made me stop. I can't really tell what it was, my brain just stopped me from articulating how I've been feeling.
The darkness has been overwhelming, the inability to function properly has been excruciating. I've wanted to open up here so much and be honest but somehow the darkside has been winning.

I think about death a lot now. Not suicide though. I don't have that in me. I don't want to hurt anyone more than this disease has already caused me to do. But I'm getting so tired. Because of this though I've made some huge steps. I have a therapist now. I finally got there. It's both uplifting and difficult. There's so much hidden in me that bringing up things old and new has helped both confuse and make sense of so many things. I've taken that first step into battle, and I have no desire to retreat. I need to face the past, present and future and take power of my life again. I want to live. I want to live my life to its full potential. I know I deserve that. I live wanting other people to live their lives and I need to realise and hold onto the fact that I want that for myself.


I look at pictures of when I was little, Smiling and laughing, but now unable to recognise that person in me anymore. I want to meet him again. I want people to see that in me again. I don't want people to refer to me as someone who "used to laugh so much when you were little". I want to laugh now, I want to feel it through every little bit of me. I want my eyes to open and my muscles and stomach to ache from happiness and not from anxiety and tension and not being able to eat or hold food down. I don't want to be how I am now. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be me.


There are hurdles getting in the way. I thought I was making some progress the other day. I felt good for the first time in however long. I'd found an inch of confidence and I liked it. Then I left the house and got mugged on the way to see my therapist. FUCKING. TYPICAL. The experience threw me two leaps back and took away those feelings I had finally picked up after such a long time instantly. At first I felt that the universe must have something against me, that it's telling me that I'm not allowed to feel those positive feelings I was experiencing at that time. Every time I've been mugged (four times now, "Lucky Pete" they call me), I've felt really good beforehand. The spiral my brain goes down every time tries to convince me that the world is against me and that I deserve to be unhappy.
But that's not right. As much as the demons inside me try to make me believe it. It's stupid, horrible, bad luck. It makes me disillusioned with the world and society yes, but I shouldn't let it cause me to judge myself. I'm vulnerable at the best of times and I don't need a piece of utter scum to make me feel even more so. I will in a natural, "I've just been violated and it was FUCKING SCARY" way, but I can't let it in a "Pete" way. That complete and utter shit is society's problem. Yes I am part of society, but I have my own problems I need to concentrate on.    


I was petrified of writing any of that, but I'm glad I did. Feel like I'm able to take a little step towards getting that leap back. So maybe I'll be hopping around here again a little bit more... if you're lucky.

I can't go the way I came.

Hi there. It feels like it's been forever since I last put anything here. A mix of being far far away physically and then coming back and feeling just as far away mentally.

So I did it. I went away to the other side of the world by myself. I saw new amazing things, ate amazing food, saw amazing music, did things spontaneously, found some confidence and talked to complete strangers and made new friends. When I was there it helped a lot. I had some days where the loneliness could take over but there always seemed to be a way out eventually. The loneliness didn't scare me as much. I took steps forward and faced things I was petrified of. I'm proud of myself for that. It didn't eradicate my problems. I'm not naive enough to believe that it would have or that it would've been a cure for anything but I knew if I got through it, in some respects I'd come out stronger.

So I'm back now. Back to a place I appreciated more when I was away from and on returning feel like I've taken a step back from the two forward I made when I was escaped. I suppose that's not abnormal. In fact I was expecting it, but there was a big part of me that hoped I'd be standing up a bit stronger than I am right now. But I need to remember that two steps forward and one back is still one ahead from before I went.
It's scary being back. The two parts of my brain are in a massive fight. One half wants to hide away and the other half wants to get out there as much as possible and see if I can transfer the confidence into life back at home. They're currently fighting with each other but so far the confident has pipped the scared side to the post more often. Not today I might add but I have kicked myself in the arse a little more than usual this past week.

It frustrates me that I had more control over the gloom when I was away from everything. I know that being around fresh and new things and people is going to make an obvious difference, but why should it make that much? I'm still the same guy here and there, with the same passions and personality. Or was I more myself when I was there? How much do I hold back around the familiar people and things in my life? How much do I hide the real me from those around me? I can't tell whether it's more or less than I think. Does that mean I'm not sure of who I really am? I'm sure of some aspects of myself and there's other parts I know are there and am afraid to unleash them for fear of rejection or in case I find something to not like about myself.

Going away was a big thing for me, but it has opened up a lot more questions about myself and how my emotions are controlled. It hasn't made me happier person necessarily but it's helped me gain a little more confidence in my abilities to step out of my comfort/anxiety zones.

I'm petrified of the future still but feel slightly better equipped now to start the long trek down that really hilly yellow brick road. I disappeared to one Emerald City, but I've got a long way to go to get to the next one.

Into the wild.

So I'm going to the other side of the world by myself in less than 48 hours. I'm absolutely petrified, excited but so SO scared.

I'm proud that I'm doing it. I've always thought that I should be a bit more spontaneous and just do things without thinking. I find that really hard as I have the ideas but usually find myself thinking about them too quickly and put myself off. I find it easier to not put myself off if I've got someone else to push too. Then it's not completely about me and seems less selfish. That somehow doing something for someone else's benefit instead of just for my own somehow makes it ok to do, which I know, is ridiculous.
I know the ten days away will be so good for me. I'm excited that I'm going to a place where no one knows me or knows anyone I know. I can try and be the me that I want and deserve to be. I want to come back with that. I'm going to talk to people and make friends, I'm going to go to gigs and have fun. I'm going to fight this brain of mine and be strong. I won't let the cloudy side of it win. This will be ME time, the actual me where I'll have the opportunity to be in control of my emotion. I can try to let myself let the happy part of my brain get a proper look in.

The idea of this scares me though. Not because I don't want to feel it. I'm so excited about the opportunity to do this, but I want this to be something that helps me take a step forward. I don't want to come home and let the same things rain down on me. I'm not saying I'm going away to "find myself" or anything like that but I am going to concentrate on the part of me that needs nourishing. The part of me that deserves to be happy. I am the real me now whether I'm happy, depressed or anything else. It's just I need to realise that all the areas of my brain will have a look in when appropriate but that I'd like to spend more time with some bits of it than others. I want to come back and remember, not miss the positive experiences and learn from them and grow stronger. As with most of the advice I give myself it's easier said than done, but I've got to try and start to aim a bit higher and into the wind to help with these steps I'm trying to take.

Time to set forth into the wild and see what nature and myself have got to offer each other. I'll you know what it's like, I could get used to it... if I let myself.

Hooks and Loops.

I'll start this one with a couple of paragraphs of an email I got from the School of Life (www.theschooloflife.com) on being in a relationship and being single that you can have a think about.

Who'd be in a relationship?

At its best, love can make us deliriously happy. At worst, it makes us more miserable than anything on earth. It robs us of our autonomy, freedom and financial independence. It can bring disillusion, heartbreak and betrayal.

Who’d be single?

We’re confined to the prison of our established and frequently very boring selves. At best, singleness allows us to be free agents, able to fulfill our desires. At worst, it drags us down to the depths of loneliness. It robs us of intimacy, personal engagement, and an understanding that true happiness is about giving oneself away.

So. It's Valentines day today. Not a day I'm particularly enthusiastic about on the best of years, let alone this year.

The thing that makes any old day romantic is a spontaneous act that comes from the heart. That's what makes romance special and that's why I can't get my head around Valentines day. It's expected, and what the hell is romantic or special about that? Giving someone flowers, a compilation or a beautiful leaf you found etc etc on a random day of the year when it wasn't expected makes it so much more special. It shows how much you love someone so much more and makes things exciting. Doing things on a day because everyone else is, makes it bland and to a degree makes it into some sort of competition.
Only one person has ever given me Valentines cards, and they were always lovely. But then the cards or little things she gave me for no reason other than loveliness felt so much more special. Made me so happy because she didn't have to, it was because she wanted to.

Saying all this though, I can't help but feel bitter this year now I'm on my own. Why the hell does it bother me now?! I know it's pretty much because I don't even have the option this year. Those finding themselves having to do things are still able to be with the person they care about and have the option to be stubborn like I was but without being bitter as well. Being single again has made me see myself in both positive and REALLY negative ways and on a day like Valentines even more so. I like the fact I know I can be romantic and really enjoy being so. I'm annoyed that sometimes I haven't been more often. I'm  scared tha I'll lose that feeling of wanting to. I'm petrified of being alone. The School of Life quote stating that being single robs us of true happiness as we can no longer give oneself away rings over and over with me. I want to give my all to everyone but I want to give that something extra special to that extra special person. I want to get that back from that person. I just need to learn how to free my own worries in order to give my entire self to someone now, just because I want to doesn't mean I can or should. Is it fair to love someone but not love yourself or not have the ability to be the complete you? It's not fair to them that they can't see everything in you, the good and the bad, as much as you try to open up and give them. It's not fair on you either to be scared in those situations, to feel the need to keep things locked up in order to get the feeling that things are great and that because you're happy as a pair that you must be happy as an individual. I think love is a huge element of happiness. But sometimes it's too easy to forget that it's not a substitute either for all the other bits that make a person happy.

It's easy to get tangled in love, because there's no greater feeling. But get too tangled and you get stuck and it creates something that you can't take any individual elements out of. Love should be a bit more like Velcro. Two completely different structures that when put together stick together perfectly with ease, can be easily separated, but in the end always work best when used together.

A scrambled egg.

I'm a bit scrambled right now. I can't relax, can't sit still. Typing this is so SO difficult. But I know I need to start writing this for me, even if it makes little sense to anyone else.

I don't know how to handle these situations. It's all very new to me. At my lowest moments I'm not usually the type to panic, I disappear and wallow and can't move. But recently after starting to feel low a switch is flicked and I get into a state of panic. It's an immediate flip into a different mind space. I know some of the triggers and I know that I don't make it easier for myself. But then how can I control these thoughts? I need to learn how to be disciplined and in control of my own thought patterns. I'm human after all and am blessed with the power to do so(to a degree).
I know half the time that the things I start "thinking" in these situations are ridiculous and completely over blow themsleves, but surely the brain reacts this way for a reason? And if I can control my head in other(technically much more stressful) situations then why when it comes to these things I can't at all? What makes one thought different from another and makes the brain react as it does?
I think I should start drawing again. It used to help. I only ever used to be able to draw from a scribble and the draw around what images I see in the mess. I suppose it's a pretty appropriate metaphor really. I need to take the scribbles and the mess inside me. Look at them properly and see what I can make from them, make the most of what's inside. Of course it's not going to solve things, but it may help me deal with these situations when they creep up on me.

Writing helps(though this has taken a LONG time for such a short thing). I'm calmer now. Just don't want the storms to keep catching up with me. Just need a great waterproof and pair of wellies for when the clouds do appear out of nowhere.

Let me out.

I haven't enjoyed being me for a long time. It's not that I don't like who I am, I think as a whole I'm a pretty good and decent person. 

Through bullying as a teenager my life as me took a massive knock. It made me ask too many questions about myself and made me think that people who weren't nice to me were that way because there must be something about me that people don't like. I know now years after that that wasn't the case and those people attacking me had problems with themselves and I was an easy target. Quiet, sensitive, inoffensive and non-threatening. Though realising these things hasn't made me enjoy being me much more over the years. Yes I've enjoyed parts of my life, and certainly enjoyed the people in it but my feelings about myself have affected my relationships with friends, family and partners and have stopped me taking full advantage of them and therefore my own happiness.

I think most people like me when I meet them, or at least don't dislike me. But is that just because I want them to? Maybe some people really don't because I'm so bothered about not offending them or what they think of me that  people see me as fake? I'm really sure I'm not fake. I really do want to see the best in people, I want to be interested in what they have to say, but I want them to be interested in what I have to say too. I want to like people and find it really awkward when I don't and can't. But I have to realise that we are all different and that's why sometimes we can't help but clash. 

I'm getting better at being indifferent to those people, to accepting those who I can't click with and challenging those who I disagree with or am offended by. It's important that people I know and consider friends, like me. They contribute to my happiness and I don't want to damage that. However there will always be clashes due to differences and they can be confronted without offending or hurting each other. The important bit is to be level headed, honest and constructive. It doesn't always go down well immediately but in the long term it's vital for relationships to grow and mature.

I want to enjoy being me. I have little reason to not to appreciate myself more and take the most from what I have, but part of me is stopping doing that and I need to find out exactly why that is and take the appropriate action. I need to find a sledge hammer to break down that wall and get out there and take advantage of what's on the other side. It's something I could probably write a thesis on and I know I've got a long way to go in figuring out what to do to sort it out. It's just something I had to write down to set the ball rolling. It helps.