One Step forward, Two leaps back...

Hi, it's been a while. This is going to be a but of a ranty waffle, but as I said it's been a while...


I scare myself sometimes. Some thoughts are so overpowering its hard to tell what's real and what's not. It's been a long time since I've been able to write anything down. It's been hard to be honest with myself like I had been doing before my break away from the blog.

My motivation has been shot to pieces. Before this was really helping, but something happened that made me stop. I can't really tell what it was, my brain just stopped me from articulating how I've been feeling.
The darkness has been overwhelming, the inability to function properly has been excruciating. I've wanted to open up here so much and be honest but somehow the darkside has been winning.

I think about death a lot now. Not suicide though. I don't have that in me. I don't want to hurt anyone more than this disease has already caused me to do. But I'm getting so tired. Because of this though I've made some huge steps. I have a therapist now. I finally got there. It's both uplifting and difficult. There's so much hidden in me that bringing up things old and new has helped both confuse and make sense of so many things. I've taken that first step into battle, and I have no desire to retreat. I need to face the past, present and future and take power of my life again. I want to live. I want to live my life to its full potential. I know I deserve that. I live wanting other people to live their lives and I need to realise and hold onto the fact that I want that for myself.


I look at pictures of when I was little, Smiling and laughing, but now unable to recognise that person in me anymore. I want to meet him again. I want people to see that in me again. I don't want people to refer to me as someone who "used to laugh so much when you were little". I want to laugh now, I want to feel it through every little bit of me. I want my eyes to open and my muscles and stomach to ache from happiness and not from anxiety and tension and not being able to eat or hold food down. I don't want to be how I am now. But that doesn't mean I don't want to be me.


There are hurdles getting in the way. I thought I was making some progress the other day. I felt good for the first time in however long. I'd found an inch of confidence and I liked it. Then I left the house and got mugged on the way to see my therapist. FUCKING. TYPICAL. The experience threw me two leaps back and took away those feelings I had finally picked up after such a long time instantly. At first I felt that the universe must have something against me, that it's telling me that I'm not allowed to feel those positive feelings I was experiencing at that time. Every time I've been mugged (four times now, "Lucky Pete" they call me), I've felt really good beforehand. The spiral my brain goes down every time tries to convince me that the world is against me and that I deserve to be unhappy.
But that's not right. As much as the demons inside me try to make me believe it. It's stupid, horrible, bad luck. It makes me disillusioned with the world and society yes, but I shouldn't let it cause me to judge myself. I'm vulnerable at the best of times and I don't need a piece of utter scum to make me feel even more so. I will in a natural, "I've just been violated and it was FUCKING SCARY" way, but I can't let it in a "Pete" way. That complete and utter shit is society's problem. Yes I am part of society, but I have my own problems I need to concentrate on.    


I was petrified of writing any of that, but I'm glad I did. Feel like I'm able to take a little step towards getting that leap back. So maybe I'll be hopping around here again a little bit more... if you're lucky.

I can't go the way I came.

Hi there. It feels like it's been forever since I last put anything here. A mix of being far far away physically and then coming back and feeling just as far away mentally.

So I did it. I went away to the other side of the world by myself. I saw new amazing things, ate amazing food, saw amazing music, did things spontaneously, found some confidence and talked to complete strangers and made new friends. When I was there it helped a lot. I had some days where the loneliness could take over but there always seemed to be a way out eventually. The loneliness didn't scare me as much. I took steps forward and faced things I was petrified of. I'm proud of myself for that. It didn't eradicate my problems. I'm not naive enough to believe that it would have or that it would've been a cure for anything but I knew if I got through it, in some respects I'd come out stronger.

So I'm back now. Back to a place I appreciated more when I was away from and on returning feel like I've taken a step back from the two forward I made when I was escaped. I suppose that's not abnormal. In fact I was expecting it, but there was a big part of me that hoped I'd be standing up a bit stronger than I am right now. But I need to remember that two steps forward and one back is still one ahead from before I went.
It's scary being back. The two parts of my brain are in a massive fight. One half wants to hide away and the other half wants to get out there as much as possible and see if I can transfer the confidence into life back at home. They're currently fighting with each other but so far the confident has pipped the scared side to the post more often. Not today I might add but I have kicked myself in the arse a little more than usual this past week.

It frustrates me that I had more control over the gloom when I was away from everything. I know that being around fresh and new things and people is going to make an obvious difference, but why should it make that much? I'm still the same guy here and there, with the same passions and personality. Or was I more myself when I was there? How much do I hold back around the familiar people and things in my life? How much do I hide the real me from those around me? I can't tell whether it's more or less than I think. Does that mean I'm not sure of who I really am? I'm sure of some aspects of myself and there's other parts I know are there and am afraid to unleash them for fear of rejection or in case I find something to not like about myself.

Going away was a big thing for me, but it has opened up a lot more questions about myself and how my emotions are controlled. It hasn't made me happier person necessarily but it's helped me gain a little more confidence in my abilities to step out of my comfort/anxiety zones.

I'm petrified of the future still but feel slightly better equipped now to start the long trek down that really hilly yellow brick road. I disappeared to one Emerald City, but I've got a long way to go to get to the next one.

Into the wild.

So I'm going to the other side of the world by myself in less than 48 hours. I'm absolutely petrified, excited but so SO scared.

I'm proud that I'm doing it. I've always thought that I should be a bit more spontaneous and just do things without thinking. I find that really hard as I have the ideas but usually find myself thinking about them too quickly and put myself off. I find it easier to not put myself off if I've got someone else to push too. Then it's not completely about me and seems less selfish. That somehow doing something for someone else's benefit instead of just for my own somehow makes it ok to do, which I know, is ridiculous.
I know the ten days away will be so good for me. I'm excited that I'm going to a place where no one knows me or knows anyone I know. I can try and be the me that I want and deserve to be. I want to come back with that. I'm going to talk to people and make friends, I'm going to go to gigs and have fun. I'm going to fight this brain of mine and be strong. I won't let the cloudy side of it win. This will be ME time, the actual me where I'll have the opportunity to be in control of my emotion. I can try to let myself let the happy part of my brain get a proper look in.

The idea of this scares me though. Not because I don't want to feel it. I'm so excited about the opportunity to do this, but I want this to be something that helps me take a step forward. I don't want to come home and let the same things rain down on me. I'm not saying I'm going away to "find myself" or anything like that but I am going to concentrate on the part of me that needs nourishing. The part of me that deserves to be happy. I am the real me now whether I'm happy, depressed or anything else. It's just I need to realise that all the areas of my brain will have a look in when appropriate but that I'd like to spend more time with some bits of it than others. I want to come back and remember, not miss the positive experiences and learn from them and grow stronger. As with most of the advice I give myself it's easier said than done, but I've got to try and start to aim a bit higher and into the wind to help with these steps I'm trying to take.

Time to set forth into the wild and see what nature and myself have got to offer each other. I'll you know what it's like, I could get used to it... if I let myself.

Hooks and Loops.

I'll start this one with a couple of paragraphs of an email I got from the School of Life (www.theschooloflife.com) on being in a relationship and being single that you can have a think about.

Who'd be in a relationship?

At its best, love can make us deliriously happy. At worst, it makes us more miserable than anything on earth. It robs us of our autonomy, freedom and financial independence. It can bring disillusion, heartbreak and betrayal.

Who’d be single?

We’re confined to the prison of our established and frequently very boring selves. At best, singleness allows us to be free agents, able to fulfill our desires. At worst, it drags us down to the depths of loneliness. It robs us of intimacy, personal engagement, and an understanding that true happiness is about giving oneself away.

So. It's Valentines day today. Not a day I'm particularly enthusiastic about on the best of years, let alone this year.

The thing that makes any old day romantic is a spontaneous act that comes from the heart. That's what makes romance special and that's why I can't get my head around Valentines day. It's expected, and what the hell is romantic or special about that? Giving someone flowers, a compilation or a beautiful leaf you found etc etc on a random day of the year when it wasn't expected makes it so much more special. It shows how much you love someone so much more and makes things exciting. Doing things on a day because everyone else is, makes it bland and to a degree makes it into some sort of competition.
Only one person has ever given me Valentines cards, and they were always lovely. But then the cards or little things she gave me for no reason other than loveliness felt so much more special. Made me so happy because she didn't have to, it was because she wanted to.

Saying all this though, I can't help but feel bitter this year now I'm on my own. Why the hell does it bother me now?! I know it's pretty much because I don't even have the option this year. Those finding themselves having to do things are still able to be with the person they care about and have the option to be stubborn like I was but without being bitter as well. Being single again has made me see myself in both positive and REALLY negative ways and on a day like Valentines even more so. I like the fact I know I can be romantic and really enjoy being so. I'm annoyed that sometimes I haven't been more often. I'm  scared tha I'll lose that feeling of wanting to. I'm petrified of being alone. The School of Life quote stating that being single robs us of true happiness as we can no longer give oneself away rings over and over with me. I want to give my all to everyone but I want to give that something extra special to that extra special person. I want to get that back from that person. I just need to learn how to free my own worries in order to give my entire self to someone now, just because I want to doesn't mean I can or should. Is it fair to love someone but not love yourself or not have the ability to be the complete you? It's not fair to them that they can't see everything in you, the good and the bad, as much as you try to open up and give them. It's not fair on you either to be scared in those situations, to feel the need to keep things locked up in order to get the feeling that things are great and that because you're happy as a pair that you must be happy as an individual. I think love is a huge element of happiness. But sometimes it's too easy to forget that it's not a substitute either for all the other bits that make a person happy.

It's easy to get tangled in love, because there's no greater feeling. But get too tangled and you get stuck and it creates something that you can't take any individual elements out of. Love should be a bit more like Velcro. Two completely different structures that when put together stick together perfectly with ease, can be easily separated, but in the end always work best when used together.

A scrambled egg.

I'm a bit scrambled right now. I can't relax, can't sit still. Typing this is so SO difficult. But I know I need to start writing this for me, even if it makes little sense to anyone else.

I don't know how to handle these situations. It's all very new to me. At my lowest moments I'm not usually the type to panic, I disappear and wallow and can't move. But recently after starting to feel low a switch is flicked and I get into a state of panic. It's an immediate flip into a different mind space. I know some of the triggers and I know that I don't make it easier for myself. But then how can I control these thoughts? I need to learn how to be disciplined and in control of my own thought patterns. I'm human after all and am blessed with the power to do so(to a degree).
I know half the time that the things I start "thinking" in these situations are ridiculous and completely over blow themsleves, but surely the brain reacts this way for a reason? And if I can control my head in other(technically much more stressful) situations then why when it comes to these things I can't at all? What makes one thought different from another and makes the brain react as it does?
I think I should start drawing again. It used to help. I only ever used to be able to draw from a scribble and the draw around what images I see in the mess. I suppose it's a pretty appropriate metaphor really. I need to take the scribbles and the mess inside me. Look at them properly and see what I can make from them, make the most of what's inside. Of course it's not going to solve things, but it may help me deal with these situations when they creep up on me.

Writing helps(though this has taken a LONG time for such a short thing). I'm calmer now. Just don't want the storms to keep catching up with me. Just need a great waterproof and pair of wellies for when the clouds do appear out of nowhere.

Let me out.

I haven't enjoyed being me for a long time. It's not that I don't like who I am, I think as a whole I'm a pretty good and decent person. 

Through bullying as a teenager my life as me took a massive knock. It made me ask too many questions about myself and made me think that people who weren't nice to me were that way because there must be something about me that people don't like. I know now years after that that wasn't the case and those people attacking me had problems with themselves and I was an easy target. Quiet, sensitive, inoffensive and non-threatening. Though realising these things hasn't made me enjoy being me much more over the years. Yes I've enjoyed parts of my life, and certainly enjoyed the people in it but my feelings about myself have affected my relationships with friends, family and partners and have stopped me taking full advantage of them and therefore my own happiness.

I think most people like me when I meet them, or at least don't dislike me. But is that just because I want them to? Maybe some people really don't because I'm so bothered about not offending them or what they think of me that  people see me as fake? I'm really sure I'm not fake. I really do want to see the best in people, I want to be interested in what they have to say, but I want them to be interested in what I have to say too. I want to like people and find it really awkward when I don't and can't. But I have to realise that we are all different and that's why sometimes we can't help but clash. 

I'm getting better at being indifferent to those people, to accepting those who I can't click with and challenging those who I disagree with or am offended by. It's important that people I know and consider friends, like me. They contribute to my happiness and I don't want to damage that. However there will always be clashes due to differences and they can be confronted without offending or hurting each other. The important bit is to be level headed, honest and constructive. It doesn't always go down well immediately but in the long term it's vital for relationships to grow and mature.

I want to enjoy being me. I have little reason to not to appreciate myself more and take the most from what I have, but part of me is stopping doing that and I need to find out exactly why that is and take the appropriate action. I need to find a sledge hammer to break down that wall and get out there and take advantage of what's on the other side. It's something I could probably write a thesis on and I know I've got a long way to go in figuring out what to do to sort it out. It's just something I had to write down to set the ball rolling. It helps.

We get what we give each other.

At the weekend I attended an extremely inspiring talk on happiness. One part of it that is standing out for me today was a point made that we differ from animals in the way that we have power over our own emotions, that we have some sort of control.

It is a valid view. We are lucky as humans that we have some sort of ability to be in charge of how we feel. But one problem with it is that sometimes emotion has the power to control us. Sadness can be a difficult emotion to keep under your hat and happiness can be slippery and hard to keep a grip on. I liken it with learning to drive in a way. I never have and the longer I leave it the more wary of it I get. I have it in myself in theory to drive a car, but actually facing up to it and doing it is a different kettle of fish.

I have made a step forward on that front this week however (not on the driving front unfortunately, though that is in the works). I am starting to realise that I do have the ability to do happy things, appreciate what I have and that there are other people out there with similar and far worse problems than me who are able to accept things and be positive about their lives. I don't want people to look at me as a glum pessimistic individual. I want to contribute to other peoples happiness which in turn will make me happy and will hopefully encourage other people, being strangers or friends/colleagues to do the same for me. Society would be a better place if we all dedicated some time to each others happiness.

What I learnt from this talk from the weekend is that the term "well-being" isn't good enough. It's not concerned with happiness, it doesn't have to get that far. It means that as long as people are "okay" then no more effort has to be made. Of course we all want people to be okay, it's a damn site better than being shit BUT the problem with being okay is that it can be a steep slope down to being low again. However if we're able to be happy as individuals and together then the gradient down is far less immediate and far easier to climb back up.

I've got a lot of learning to do about myself and the lack of control I've had in regards to my emotion my whole life, not just in recent times. Of course I can be happy, and in a complete non-egocentric way I think I deserve to be. I've just got to grab the happy part from inside me and have fun with it more often. I think that it's important that we can be sad when appropriate, hiding any emotion away when it's there can be a dangerous thing, but it doesn't mean it should be in control and it doesn't mean we should give it all our time. The reason it takes over is that when we've had a taste of happiness, we want more. We don't want it to not be there and when it takes a rest that gives sadness a chance to take the lead. If we work together though and  keep passing the happy baton to each other hopefully we'll never run out of energy and then we can beat the gloom to the finish line.

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to cheer somebody else up" Mark Twain



p.s the talk was by Richard Layard of www.actionforhappiness.org  / @actionhappiness and arranged by the School of Life www.theschooloflife.com / @TheSchoolOfLife check them out and follow them. They're good ones.

If only everything...

When it comes down to it I'm an idealist. I know what I want the world and life to be like, I am also aware it would be extremely hard to make it a reality. As quoted by Josie Long (who originally said it escapes me at this very moment) the world would be a better place if we were all just a bit kinder to eachother. It'd be nice wouldn't it?

I LOVE William Morris, I love everything he stood for and believed and I love that he wanted the best for the world. I love that he was as worried and disillusioned about the world as I am. He knew what the world should be like but was realistic enough to realise that we have already gone too far to achieve that without complete change.
He said that "Fellowship is life and lack of fellowship is death". We need to be able to work together for the greater good. We don't all have to get along or like eachother, we just need to be able to work as a unit so we all can benefit from the good things in life, be able to enjoy our working lives and detach from them when we're away from it and be able to enjoy and appreciate life outside work. 


The trouble with today is that we have too much and we don't know how to enjoy it. We're spoilt and that essentially leads us to finding disappointment in too many things. We concentrate too much on what we don't have as opposed to being grateful for all the good things we do have in life. I know how hard is is to see that sometimes though. Life sometimes doesn't seem fair, in fact a lot of the time it doesn't. William morris knew that and that stopped him being happy too. When we know happiness and equality are possible it becomes even more frustrating that those things aren't everywhere already. 


There are too many obstacles and self obsessed people in the world, but so many of us aren't like that. We are individuals yes, with our own needs and wants, but so many of us care about the people next to us whether we know them or not. I truly believe there are more decent than terrible people out there and more of us need to have more faith in each other to think this too. From there we can take a step towards an ideal world and overcome the crap and the sadness that's shoved in our faces everyday.


But until then there's no harm in a bit of dreaming, is there?

Home isn't where your house is.

As sickly and as overused the phrase might be. Home really is where the heart is.

I've had to move back to the North East London town, where up until eight months ago I'd lived all my life (minus 6 months in Venezuela). I really don't know how I feel about it. I don't want to take a step backwards. Recent events and the position I've found myself in make me nervous that there's a possibility this might happen.

When I'm not here I appreciate it so much more, coming back to it is like meeting up with an old friend that you don't see often but when you do it's quality time. It's funny that now I'm living here again that it seems to have lost that. It's not home right now. I was somewhere different and new and was just getting used to it. Just starting to appreciate it. Just started to realise that it was home. I know deep down that the main reason for feeling that it was home wasn't the location. It's was where my heart was (and still is). In physical terms (and so therefore mentally too) it was fresh, new, exciting and most importantly, a step forward.

I'm the first to defend and first to bitch about my home town. There are FAR worse places to live, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to be stuck. In the past couple of years I've been more positive about the place than ever, but again that wasn't because of the physical place. It was what was in it and what I had.

I can learn from this though. It really is what you take out of and what you put into a place to make it home. My home here before was beautiful because of what was put into it, what was shared there. Now I'm back at my parents place in a room that used to be my safe haven, my own box where I could be me and escape from the world.  Now it's just somewhere I sleep. I know this isn't forever and I know I'm bloody lucky to have anywhere right now, but there certain things I need right now. Somewhere secure and positive.

My main man William Morris said "Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful". This really doesn't apply to just decoration or physical objects (and my oh my do I have too many of those). A house can only be filled with beauty if you love being there and feel safe and make it your own. Without that a house can't be a home.

So that's my aim. To take the most from what I have and concentrate on where my heart is. It's in me and I just need to let it know that we've got some home hunting/creating to do.

Lions, and tigers, and bears. OH MY.

"Bravery or courage is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation." 
 
I've been told recently by a couple of people that I'm being brave at the moment. I'm genuinely uncertain whether I have been at all, so I thought I'd find a definition to help me work out whether I qualify or not.


I am trying to be brave. I'm trying so hard to confront the pain at the moment, so hard to stand up to the fear and uncertainty of the future by trying to concentrate on me. I don't know whether though I've found the courage inside me to actually go up to the door and open it yet. I think I'm probably being strong(ish) as opposed to courageous. I can't quite tell if by doing the things I'm doing count as facing up to what's happening right now or whether they count as running away.


I think writing this blog in some ways is confronting how scared and confused I am right now. So maybe this is one thing I could probably count as "being brave". But why am I finding that so difficult to accept? According to other people going away on holiday by myself is being brave, but then to me it feels like I'm doing it to escape or retreat, a way of avoiding things. But then when I actually go I might feel different. I'm petrified of going away alone, so when I actually get there, maybe that's when I'll be able to see myself as brave. I would've actually confronted that fear.


Having ideas doesn't make you brave. It just means that you're one step closer to being brave. Right now I have the potential to be brave and I may have even done some things that other people count as brave, but I'm not there yet. I'm genuinely bricking it at the moment. Can you still be brave and be scared at the same time? When you're being brave does the fear disappear?

I feel a bit like the Cowardly Lion. When his courage came out he was completely unaware, he still thought that he was a coward. Not a bloody clue. So maybe that's me. I'm the Cowardly Lion. Sure of my heart, sure(ish) of my brain but unaware of how strong I'm being due to feeling so weak about so many things. 


So maybe there is a bit of brave in me. I'd just maybe like to feel that a bit more and the best way to do that is to probably be a bit more adventurous and audacious. Take a few of those risks I was talking about.


Now where does that yellow brick road start?

Me, Myself and Everyone Else

Since I can remember I've never wanted to upset or offend anyone. Even people I can't stand or people who have hurt me. I've always tried to be empathetic and see it from their point of view and how I imagine it would make them feel. I want to be nice to people, well not everybody but those that I don't like I at least don't want to be mean to. Why? If I'm worried about other people I don't have to worry about myself.


Is it really that wrong to think about yourself from time to time and stand up to those who only think about themselves? I need to get more guts. If I actually stood up against other peoples over-selfishness then maybe that'd help them think of others a bit more. It's about balance. A lot of people, such as myself need to think about themselves more. The important thing about thinking about yourself is not to be self-obsessed. Self obsessed people are miserable and bitter. However a little bit of selfishness is essential to being happy, as is being concious and considerate about the people around you. 


I'm a nurse and i do love it, but sometimes dedicating every bit of yourself  to others can drain so much out of you. It's my job to help others, I need to learn to separate that from the world outside. IT'S A JOB and I have my own life outside that, a place that I'm actually allowed to care for MYSELF. I think this obsession with other peoples happiness and well being is probably subconsciously why I chose to become a nurse. I have learnt from it and following that path is probably why I'm writing this now. It's a profession with as many smiles as there are tears. In a way, because of it I have started to realise that we have to make the most of our lives for ourselves. Thinking about ourselves once in a while can really be of benefit to other people. Our own happiness can help other people be happy.


Writing this down makes it sound so easy to do, but in real life it's bloody hard. I want people to like me, I don't want people to see me in a negative way. In life we tend to remember the downs more than the ups and I don't want to be remembered by someone I don't know as part of their downs. I try so hard to be a positive aspect of other peoples lives that it makes it tough to think positive about myself. If I am a naturally caring and nice person then surely I should believe that and should be able to see the good in myself and not concentrate completely on what other people MIGHT think of me.

Avoiding things sometimes seems like a good thing to do, but in reality it's stupid. I'm starting to realise its ok to think about ME. Its time to kick myself in the arse and understand that I'm the most important thing in my own life, and that caring about other people is something that I want to do and that makes me happy, and not something I HAVE to do to make me "happy".


It's time to concentrate on me, but that doesn't mean I won't have time for other people.

Learning How to Scream.

Anger is an emotion I find so difficult to express. Don't get me wrong it's there (much more than I want right now) I just have no idea what to do with it, which scares me to bits.  


In the short term music helps, but the problem with that is that someone else is expressing anger for me. That's not my rage, its theirs and that's why listening to music isn't going to solve the frustration boiling up inside me. I might feel I understand what they are saying, but they have no idea what's going on in my head and there again is something I need to address. This is MY anger and not anyone else's and I need to get that into my neatly clippered flat capped skull that it is my responsibility to sort it out.


Ever since I was little I haven't been able to shout out how I felt in fear of upsetting or hurting someone else. One example being that I was once scratched in the face by a little girl in front of her mother. I stood there frozen wanting to swipe back but I was unable to in fear of what might happen and how it will make her feel. 

Now I certainly don't ever want to be violent, thats not who I am and it would be something upsettingly serious to bring me to that level, but I need an outlet. I need a voice. I need the confidence to tell myself it's ok to be angry about things.

I'm afraid what I've let stew inside me all my life will boil over and become messy. I don't want or need that and can't let that happen. All I need is a way to show it and to do that I may have to do something I find even more difficult than being angry. BE A BIT MORE SELFISH.

Risk Management

Life is a funny thing isn't it?


People say things happen for a reason. I've always hoped that was true but sometimes I find that saying hard to believe. I've used it myself on many occasions to try and comfort people. Realistically the only thing that can make the future better, lives within what you do with the present and not what has happened in the past. It's down to them, its down to you, its down to me.


At this moment in time I'm trying to convince myself of this and boy oh boy it's a difficult thing to accept. If things really did happen for a reason we'd just do nothing and let the future happen, but those who procrastinate, wallow and   ignore the present because of past find it hardest to see the future. Granted at our lowest moments we look to the past, nostalgia, what could have been etc. Maybe this is because the future is the scariest thing in the world for someone isn't prepared for change. 


I think we all need to remember that sometimes the only thing we can do is jump ship. Is it worth staying on the burning deck where you're certain to be in pain and have your fate decided for you? or is it it better to take the chance in open sea where there might be a way out, a place to swim to?  There are risks when it comes to anything, but the thing about risks is that no matter how likely the outcomes you don't  want to happen might, there is always a chance they won't and that things will go your way.


The thing about risks is that there is no certainty. You have to take them to get further towards the future.  After all you need to cross the road to get to where you want, don't you?