Home isn't where your house is.

As sickly and as overused the phrase might be. Home really is where the heart is.

I've had to move back to the North East London town, where up until eight months ago I'd lived all my life (minus 6 months in Venezuela). I really don't know how I feel about it. I don't want to take a step backwards. Recent events and the position I've found myself in make me nervous that there's a possibility this might happen.

When I'm not here I appreciate it so much more, coming back to it is like meeting up with an old friend that you don't see often but when you do it's quality time. It's funny that now I'm living here again that it seems to have lost that. It's not home right now. I was somewhere different and new and was just getting used to it. Just starting to appreciate it. Just started to realise that it was home. I know deep down that the main reason for feeling that it was home wasn't the location. It's was where my heart was (and still is). In physical terms (and so therefore mentally too) it was fresh, new, exciting and most importantly, a step forward.

I'm the first to defend and first to bitch about my home town. There are FAR worse places to live, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to be stuck. In the past couple of years I've been more positive about the place than ever, but again that wasn't because of the physical place. It was what was in it and what I had.

I can learn from this though. It really is what you take out of and what you put into a place to make it home. My home here before was beautiful because of what was put into it, what was shared there. Now I'm back at my parents place in a room that used to be my safe haven, my own box where I could be me and escape from the world.  Now it's just somewhere I sleep. I know this isn't forever and I know I'm bloody lucky to have anywhere right now, but there certain things I need right now. Somewhere secure and positive.

My main man William Morris said "Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful". This really doesn't apply to just decoration or physical objects (and my oh my do I have too many of those). A house can only be filled with beauty if you love being there and feel safe and make it your own. Without that a house can't be a home.

So that's my aim. To take the most from what I have and concentrate on where my heart is. It's in me and I just need to let it know that we've got some home hunting/creating to do.