Lions, and tigers, and bears. OH MY.

"Bravery or courage is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty, or intimidation." 
 
I've been told recently by a couple of people that I'm being brave at the moment. I'm genuinely uncertain whether I have been at all, so I thought I'd find a definition to help me work out whether I qualify or not.


I am trying to be brave. I'm trying so hard to confront the pain at the moment, so hard to stand up to the fear and uncertainty of the future by trying to concentrate on me. I don't know whether though I've found the courage inside me to actually go up to the door and open it yet. I think I'm probably being strong(ish) as opposed to courageous. I can't quite tell if by doing the things I'm doing count as facing up to what's happening right now or whether they count as running away.


I think writing this blog in some ways is confronting how scared and confused I am right now. So maybe this is one thing I could probably count as "being brave". But why am I finding that so difficult to accept? According to other people going away on holiday by myself is being brave, but then to me it feels like I'm doing it to escape or retreat, a way of avoiding things. But then when I actually go I might feel different. I'm petrified of going away alone, so when I actually get there, maybe that's when I'll be able to see myself as brave. I would've actually confronted that fear.


Having ideas doesn't make you brave. It just means that you're one step closer to being brave. Right now I have the potential to be brave and I may have even done some things that other people count as brave, but I'm not there yet. I'm genuinely bricking it at the moment. Can you still be brave and be scared at the same time? When you're being brave does the fear disappear?

I feel a bit like the Cowardly Lion. When his courage came out he was completely unaware, he still thought that he was a coward. Not a bloody clue. So maybe that's me. I'm the Cowardly Lion. Sure of my heart, sure(ish) of my brain but unaware of how strong I'm being due to feeling so weak about so many things. 


So maybe there is a bit of brave in me. I'd just maybe like to feel that a bit more and the best way to do that is to probably be a bit more adventurous and audacious. Take a few of those risks I was talking about.


Now where does that yellow brick road start?